If Your Date Shows Up Wearing A Shirt Covered In One Of These...

If Your Date Shows Up Wearing A Shirt Covered In One Of These...

Friday, August 19, 2011

10 Will Get You 20

In one of my recent therapy sessions, my therapist made a rather brash, forthright statement when she said, and I quote…”Ge, there is one common denominator in all of your failed relationships. And that’s you.” She then proceeded to ask me a significantly poignant question…”What exactly is it that you’re doing to attract the same type of guy over and over and over again?” The more I ruminated over these sudden epiphany’s the more I deduced that maybe Rihanna had summed it up best with her hit song ‘Love the Way You Lie Part II’ when she belts out the line…”So maybe I’m a masochist.” An emotional cutter of sorts. I left her office feeling a new-found sense of hope. Now that I had been made brutally aware of the things that had ultimately been leading to my slow demise, I could make it a point to be substantially more aware of the men that I obviously needed to steer clear of.

I found myself at the mall one Saturday afternoon, about to hit up the semi-annual sale at Nordstrom. I rationalized my ‘Day-‘O-Spending’ by promising myself that I’d dedicate an extra day volunteering and mentoring at the local Big Brother/Big Sister program the following week. I reckoned it was more than a fair trade off. After I had made my purchases I figured I’d done enough damage to my bank account so I began strolling off through the mall, headed towards the exit. As I maneuvered around one of the center kiosks’s I made eye contact with the guy who was manning this particular booth. He smiled at me, so naturally I smiled back. I couldn’t help but notice that he was strikingly good looking. The very epitome of ‘tall, dark and handsome.’ He approached me with an air of confidence that I hadn’t seen exhibited in a long time. There was no beating around the bush, no pretenses, just a sense of poise and self assurance that immediately attracted me to him. “Listen, I know you don’t know me but I have to have your phone number. I’d really like to take you on a date sometime!” Instinctively I thought back to all of the hours of therapy I had sat through, and all of the life lessons that I had hopefully learned in the process and I figured this guy was bound to be “different” than the last DB I dated…the one who put the ‘I’ in narcIssIst. Insecure. And InsensItIve. I consented.

He picked me up on a moped which I thought was a little sophomoric, but I figured I’d remain buoyant and just pretend that I was Audrey Hepburn in the classic movie ‘Roman Holiday’ and that on this night, we would morph Orem Utah into our very own little Italian getaway. Even when we pulled into the Arby's parking lot, I chose to remain sanguine. Dinner (and we use that word loosely) started out with the mainstream questions that one usually asks when out for the first time. I found out he played Rugby for the local college, which would explain his incredibly toned physique. After we got the typical run-of-the-mill stuff out of the way I all of a sudden realized that it was extremely difficult to carry on a conversation with him. It was almost as though instantaneously we had absolutely nothing in common. I decided that he ranked high enough on the “Hotness Scale” that I couldn’t give up on him just yet, so I kept on plugging away. I discovered rather quickly that every time I asked him a question his response usually had a one-worded reply. And then when he did have something to say I couldn’t quite make out what he was trying to convey because it came out as one big gibberish, unclear mess…almost as if he were speaking in Cajun tongue. That is until I heard him mutter something about the number 18. When I asked him to recant what he had just said he looked up at me with a seemingly innocent expression and re-announced that he had just turned the big ‘ol 1-8!

If your date is underage…UNDATABLE!

Saturday, August 6, 2011

Men In Pink

Saks Fifth Avenue
Issey Miyake
Oscar de la Renta
Nina Ricci

Ever since I had the opportunity to sit front row, wide-eyed and star-struck, at the Marc Jacobs Fashion Show during the ever elite Mercedes Benz Fashion Week in New York City when I was 18 years old, I’ve been hooked. My therapist prefers to refer to it as a ‘closet addiction.’ (She’s SO funny with her play on words!) Ta-mate-o. Toe-mot-o.

Now that I have that all cleared up, I’d like to go on record as saying that I have zero expectations when it comes to the way my dates dress. That’s not to say that I don’t desire him to take some sort of pride in his appearance, but I’m definitely not shallow or overly picky by any means…which leads us up to my latest dating encounter. Mr. Richy McMillionaire unquestionably lived up to his nickname. This guy was L-O-A-D-E-D! He had made his millions in the stock-market industry, and was educated enough to pull his investments when the economy was taking a turn for the worse…which left him with a rather substantial fortune. (What in the world did we gals do before Google?!) He had a huge home in the foothills of Park City, located in an exceedingly prestigious gated community. He owned 4 very nice, very expensive vehicles/sports cars…two words; Bugatti Veyron. Lots and lots of boyz toyz…a boat, wave runners, 4-wheelers etc. etc. etc. But I believed the very best part was that we were being set up by mutual friends which I figured was a fairly safe bet because apparently we both had good taste in people, which hopefully meant that we were bound to have other things in common. 

He picked me up almost 30 minutes early, but I suppose when you’re driving the world’s fastest car, it’s to be expected. As I opened the door I hurriedly did a head-to-toe scan of Sir Richard 'Virgin' Branson and was in awe over his well planned, understated, subtle, look that he had put together. (And when I say "he" I of course mean "his assistant.") He was wearing a fairly fitted, pink Affliction shirt that did have some slight embellishments on it, but wasn’t overly done or excessively disdainful. It was fitted to the point that you could see he had a pretty ripped, comparatively cut body. I guess that idiosyncrasy that they say is true...real men really can pull off pink. He was sporting some True Religion jeans that he happened to fill out quite nicely, (wink wink) and almost instantly I caught a whiff of what I knew immediately to be Clive Christian cologne. (I only knew this because I had recently traveled to NYC where I attended an exhibit for ‘The World’s Most Expensive…’ and this latest Clive Christian cologne had been show-cased there, retailing at almost $2,500 a bottle! Sheesh.) I was in love. Well, almost.

The date went remarkably well so when he asked me if I’d be interested in racing Go-Karts the next evening I was excited for the possibilities. I spent the day mulling over and contemplating what I would wear that night…his sense of fashion seemed so effortless and I didn’t want him to think that I was over thinking it so I played the casual-but-cute card to make sure it didn’t seem like I was over doing it. The doorbell rang and as I raced to answer it, my heart skipped several beats due to my excitement. I opened the door and there he stood…in the exact same outfit as the night before. I’m sure the perplexed look caught him off guard but I was quick to greet him with a hug to cover up my state of confusion. Again, the date was borderline majestic and as he walked me to the door he once again proceeded to ask me out for the following night. I once again acquiesced. He mentioned he held season tickets to the Opera and asked if I’d be interested in attending with him, I readily agreed and figured that this would be a prime time to show him the eccentric classy/lady-like side of me…formal gown and all. I flung the door open in an anticipated moment of sheer elation, when much to my bewilderment, there he stood in the exact same fitted pink Affliction shirt. Those unchanged True Religion jeans. That identical friggin’ cologne. For a moment I literally thought I was in that classic, cheesy, Bill Murray movie ‘Groundhog’s Day.’ How could this be? How was it possible that a guy thought it totally fitting to wear this invariable outfit to a movie, and then to race Go-Karts, and finally to attend a formal Opera?! I couldn’t quite wrap my head around it but thought it best not to utter a single solitary word on the subject and just go with it.

Mr.Wierd-o McNeverChangesHisClothes was out of town for the next couple of weeks on business but made sure to contact me methodically through phone calls, email, texts and Facebook. Late one night I received a notification that he had written on my wall. As I clicked on his profile and started going through some of the pictures of all of his recent incredible world-wide traveling adventures, I became painfully aware of the fact that in every one of his pictures he was wearing the subsequent outfit mentioned previously. Including to his own Grandmother’s funeral.

If your date wears the same clothes every day of the year…