There's No Place Like Home...

I was on an errand for work when I walked into this particular pharmacy and instantaneously noticed an ultra cute guy out of my peripheral vision. I grabbed the items I needed and decided to pick up a Diet Coke while I was there…mostly because I consider D.C. to be the Nectar of the God’s and I felt like I needed a sense of rejuvenation. I walked over to the cooler section and noticed that Mr. Hottie Pants McGee was there too. He appeared to be a little dirty but I figured that was because he was a blue-collar worker...not that I was judging him for it, I leave the judgemental part to Jesus. And the Mormon's.


Before I had a chance to whip out my charming, charismatic,
Ge-isim's he walked over to me and started what ended up being a pretty amusing conversation that concluded with him asking for my phone number. I was reluctant to give it to him for a couple of reasons…1) I had just gotten out of a serious relationship and the thought of dating again made me wanna vomit. Literally. 2) Three words: My. Dating. History. (Please see previous posts.) But alas, I handed over my business card and with the look of sheer elation, said he’d be in touch.

Later that evening my phone rang (and when I say 'rang' I of course mean vibrated) the caller ID showed that it was a local number so I answered figuring it was something to do with work. False…it was Mr. Walgreen’s himself asking me on a date. I once again fought my inner instinct and reluctantly agreed. We settled on a day and time but after hanging up I suddenly remembered that I already had plans for the night in question. I quickly called him back but the dial tone merely rang. And rang. And rang some more. Just as I was about to hang up I heard a female’s voice say “Hello?” I was taken aback but proceeded to ask for Mr. D.B. when I was met with “I’m not sure who you’re looking for, but you are aware that this is a payphone, right?” Without any ado there were a few things that started running through my head. A) The 80’s called and they’d like their form of communication back. B) Payphones still exist?! C) Let me reiterate, payphones still exist?!

Due to the fact that I was unable to reach Sir Sketchy VonPayPhone I went ahead and changed my previous plans with the guy that happened to be from the twenty-first century and did have a cell phone, so that way I didn’t have to stand up Date #2. He arrived promptly at 6:45, as planned. When I answered the door he quickly asked if he could use the restroom. Twenty-five minutes later he exited and announced he was ready to go. I found this strangely uncomfortable and as we headed out the door I glanced into the bathroom and saw several of my crisp, white washcloths on the ground and they were covered with what I could only assume was dirt. I decided at that point that ignorance was bliss and opted not to confront the situation.

He had arranged a picnic at the park which I thought was adorable. When we finished eating the PB&J’s he had packed he asked if I’d like to take a sunset stroll. I consented and we started the whole ‘get-to-know-you’ questions that are pertinent for any first date. I asked him where he lived and he diffidently pointed to the parking lot where his truck sat. I was perplexed by this vague motion so I inquired further of him. He then enlightened me that he was "currently in-between homes"and that he did indeed reside in the bed of his truck, under his pristine camper shell.

Fast forward 23.7 minutes...he had finally dropped me off and I found myself breathing a sigh of relief as I shut the front door behind me. I then remembered the whole '25-minutes-in-the-bathroom scenerio'. I discovered, much to my chagrin, that Homeboy McLivesInATruck had felt the urgency to be somewhat presentable for our date...which led him to take a sponge bath, with my hand towels!

If your date is homeless…UNDATABLE!