One Hit Wonder on his Eternal Tour

When my date showed up under the pretenses that we would do dinner and a late movie, there "Mr. Tambourine Man" stood on my doorstep with his guitar case in tow. I thought, this could possibly add a small "Twist and Shout" to the night. Besides, "Live and let die" right? Well, he made himself welcome and proceeded to "Party like a Rockstar" on my couch as my stomach grumbled for that dinner he promised. "Tik Tok"....Four strumingly painful hours later, I thought "Imma Be" going into Ketosis soon and was praying "Janie had a gun".

I think my growling middle section must have struck a chord with him, cuz he stood up, put his guitar away and then I thought he finally found some
"R-E-S-P-E-C-T" to take me to dinner and stop capatilizing on his self proclaimed talent. So, I stood up, ready to go, instead he put his arms around me and thanked me for the evening. My response...."Mmmm Whatchasay?"

He left.

Disaster # 127 was a "Bad Romance"

IF YOUR DATE THINKS HE IS A GUITAR-HERO.....

UNDATABLE!!!!!!!

Bi The Way...

He was a handsome, well-to-do man with an exotic car. He took me on 3 dates and I enjoyed his company. One day he booked an amazing couples massage at one of the more prestigious salons in town. After our massage, we decided to partake in all of the spas' luxuries. We sipped on cucumber water, soaked our feet in mineral baths and later, relaxed in the steam room where things began to get "steamy". In the "mist" of kissing and flirting my date proceeded to ask if I had ever kissed a girl...which obviously opened up a couple of questions in my mind---"Is he a pervert?" or "Has one of his past girlfriends left him for another woman?" Before I could even formulate an answer, he interrupted my minds maze and blurted out ...."Because I've had multiple partners, both male and female...are you cool with that?"

Disaster # 224

IF YOUR DATE FAILS TO TELL YOU UPFRONT THAT HE PLAYS ON BOTH SIDES OF THE CHECKER BOARD....UNDATABLE!!!!

Just BEAT It!

Crime scene: Popular Mexican Restaurant; Historic Downtown Provo
Time: 13:00 hours
Weather condition: Eerily chilly
Witnesses: Yours truly
Usual suspect: Disaster # 48


Report: The suspect was described as a white male, 5'9, medium brown hair, blue eyes, approx. 180 lbs. Wearing a tank top and sandals with socks. (Clearly guilty!)


Dinner and conversation turned deadly when he confessed that he had been divorced, or rather "left" by his wife because he abused her.


Judgement: Time served will NOT be with me!

If your date wears a wife beater, or IS a wife beater...UNDATABLE!

Pervert Or Pure Love Of Christ?...You Be The Judge

In my endeavor to meet Mr. Right, a guy who I had met only once called me up late one evening and asked if he could stop by because he..."Happened to be in the neighborhood." I had worked late and had decided to hit the gym afterwards, so after such a long day I welcomed the company. We both ended up pulling into my driveway at the same time, which left me no time to freshen up. Alas, being the fabulous hostess that I am I turned on the TV for him while I quickly showered. As I opened the bathroom door that led to my master bedroom, I immediately saw what looked like a pile of mens clothing on the floor--britches and all. The inner-voice that we all posses was screaming at me not to look up, but that other inner-voice, the one that ultimatley makes us all turn into rubber neckers as we pass horrific accidents on the side of the freeway, totally overpowered it and I had no choice but to gawk at the hot mess that was in front of me. There he stood, in all his glory, Disaster # 604, trying to attempt a smoldering look on his face...like I had ordered the Skin-a-max or something. Does anyone out there know how I would go about trying to stab my minds eye out?! Nevertheless, my mother has always taught me to give people the benefit of the doubt. So I found myself contemplating the 2 obvious options. 1) Was he literally trying to give me the clothes off his back? OR 2) Was his intention to try and 'tag' this like a Facebook Photo? One will never know, because I picked up his clothes, and sent him packing. Literally. Not figuratively.

I believe Confucius said it best when he said: "Never take "Sch-Long" time in the shower when you have company waiting."

If your date turns your bedroom into a nudist colony...Then GURRRLL YOU KNOW THAT IS....UNDATABLE!

Do You Know How Long It's Been?!

So, when I was freshly divorced, my family insisted on getting me on an online dating website that was specified around a certain religion. Reluctantly, I signed up and found it to be rather nice that  I could weed out individuals based on their activity in the church and priorities. So when a seemingly "Good Guy" asked me out, I decided to join him. Obeying the Online Dating Rules, I met him in a public place where we shared hot chocolate and a great conversation. As the night progressed, I felt more and more comfortable with this "Saint" and he invited me back to his house where he had a theatre room that we could watch a movie in. No harm in that, and on we went. Unexpectedly, he began to get kind of 'handsy'. I kindly asked him to refrain and watch the movie. He persisted including kisses to my neck and hands crawling up my thigh. Again, I asked him to quit the moves. He didn't quite get my message and proceeded to touch me and try to kiss me, all the while, I was getting very angry. Finally when this behavior wouldn't stop I stood up, and in a firm voice said "STOP! I am not that kind of girl!"  He then stood up and yelled at me saying "Do you know how long its been for me!?!?!?!? I replied with, "Please take me back to my car." He didn't speak to me the whole drive home.

If your first-time date uses the desperate verbiage
"DO YOU KNOW HOW LONG ITS BEEN FOR ME?".......UNDATABLE!