G's S.T.D. (S.aves T.he D.ay)

It was a nice change of pace having a guy plan a real date, one that required actual thought. He informed me that we were going to be tubing down the Weber River, and despite not being a real out-doorsy girl I was thoroughly excited. It was the epitome of a perfect summer day. The sun was out, there was a slight breeze in the air, and the water's temperature was pleasant. It was our third date, and I could tell that I was starting to like him. (Due to what I assumed were butterflies in the stomach, rather then the typical sinking-rock-in-the-gut feeling I was used to having before a date.) We were spending the day floating down the river with 8 other couples, but somehow we always ended up way ahead of the pack, which was fine with us because it gave us some alone time that we were both wanting. About half way down the river our conversation went something like this...


Herp: "Hey G, I believe our relationship is somewhat symbolic of our date today."

G: "Funny thing...I was just sitting on my tube thinking the exact same thought. False. I was not. Feel free to explain."

Herp: "Well I think the fact that I haven't let go of your tube the entire time should tell you that in life, I would never give up on us."

G: "I can actually see the Velveeta dripping from your pours due to the cheesiness of that comment."

Herp: "That's not gonna deter me G. I'm not sure if you noticed, but back there a little ways I really felt like we had a 'moment.' And I really, really wanted to kiss you, but I feel like there's something I should tell you."

G: "Um, okay...I guess I'm still listening."


Herp: "Yeah, uh, well...the thing is...I've got herpes. And the only reason I'm telling you this is because I can feel an outbreak coming on. But if it weren't for that I would've absolutely kissed you."

G: (Thinking to herself) "You've gotta be friggin' kidding me."


I tried to maintain my composure as the day continued, but by the time we got to the end of the our river-run adventure, his face was one big giant swollen hot mess! His tear ducts were oozing a white liquid that I'm certain had a stench but I never got close enough to fully investigate, his eyes were puffy, and his lips were gigantic! In short, he looked like Hitch. (Not the hot Hitch where he looked like Will Smith circa Independence Day. But more like the Hitch right after he had eaten the fish he was ultra allergic to.) I ended up taking his herpe-ridden self to the E.R. due to his airway starting to swell shut, and then ended up playing nurse 'til 2 am.

If your date announces that he has an S.T.D....UNDATABLE!